Whose Permission Are You Waiting For?
When I was 23 years old I found myself at a crossroads. At that time, I was two years into a marriage that was dysfunctional even if it seemed perfect. We had been high school sweethearts and had accumulated a total of 8 years together. We were following the Dream: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. I was following cultural, religious, and societal expectations. I was a box checker and list maker and I was doing things the “right” way.
It’s so easy to see now that I was drowning, yet, I was still trying to tread forward with my plans of having a family regardless of what I was feeling. Aside from being a planner, I was also a people-pleaser. I connected my self-worth to other’s approval of me and my actions. The thought of divorce was too scary to even consider. What would they think of me?
I tried to shelve my feelings hoping they would pass. I had suffered from chronic depression and it wasn’t uncommon for me to feel lost and sad. These symptoms worsen over time. I would find myself on the brink of tears constantly. I would have a panic attack in the most random situations, like trying to find my car in the parking lot. I had nightmares and began to lose weight as well as my hair. After nearly a year of begging for advice a friend finally sent me a blog post titled, You’re Allowed To Leave.
That was my permission slip. The blog went down a list of situations that I was allowed to exit. Most importantly, I was permitted to give up on my marriage. *Gasp* You’ll hear it everywhere, “marriage is hard work.” Was I quitting too soon? I went to the only couple whose marriage I admired. They would tell me stories about how they met and how still, in their late 60’s, they danced in the kitchen. I needed to know if a healthy, happy marriage was even possible, because if it was, then I wasn’t working hard enough. My friends responded, “if it’s hard work, it’s not working.” But how could that be?
We have been brought up in a full-throttle society where a high-speed pace is constant. You are looked down upon for being a quitter. Nothing good ever comes to the lazy, so you have to grind and work your fingers to the bone. “No pain, no gain,” right? We’ve idolized people who never quit, who kept on moving forward despite the pain, and when these same people have got injured or even lost their lives, they’ve become Saints. Surprisingly, we are seeing a shift.
In recent months, two of the greatest female athletes, Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka, have chosen to prioritize their mental health over competing. The amount of backlash and criticism they have received for choosing themselves over a trophy or a medal is a reflection of our hustle-mentality. We impose a ridiculous amount of pressure on athletes and burden them to perform as if they were machines, solely for our entertainment. According to The Athletic, in 2018, Michael Phelps, another elite athlete, had contemplated suicide after the 2012 Olympics. So when will it be enough? If we don’t permit ourselves to care for ourselves, then who will?
Possibly as a result of the pandemic, many of us have slowed down enough to consider our feelings and our mental health. During April alone, 4 million people quit their jobs voluntarily. According to Business Insider, the following three months have each seen over 3.6 million quits. Although the data isn’t exactly clear why people are choosing to quit their jobs, it’s an interesting phenomenon that begs the question, are we overworked and undervalued? Burnout is considered one of the top reasons why we are seeing such a large number of people quit.
“If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you’ll spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid.”
As of this month, I also became a number in the statistics of people leaving their jobs. There are too many people in the world doing things they hate and feeling trapped. I’ve experienced mental health disorders throughout the greater part of my life. The majority of my depressive episodes either went unnoticed or were misunderstood. It was difficult to tell others what I was experiencing because they didn’t understand it. I was sick but they couldn’t see it. Expressing that I couldn’t complete a task because I was depressed or felt too anxious to function felt like a cop-out. It was never an excuse, it was a reason. Being misunderstood forced me to advocate for myself and listen to my body in order to recognize when I was reaching my breaking point.
Professional athletes need to speak out when they are struggling. It’s important to see these same idols prioritizing themselves despite what others may think. It’s important to see people in the workforce demand to be valued and stepping down if they are not. Leaving or quitting isn’t always the easiest option, often, we are crippled by fear of the unknown. Ironically, it is in the unknown where we create new possibilities. In one form or another, we are all seeking to be granted permission. Permission to love and care for ourselves, permission to leave toxic and unhealthy situations, permission to pursue our dreams and feel worthy in doing so. Your situation does not have to be abusive to leave it. Forgive yourself for all the times you stayed when you should have left. Seek your own advice and permit yourself to change your path whenever necessary.